visibleghost

Stripped down, the girl anxiously places wet clay upon herself, sculpting anew. Watch and see if it solidifies or shatters.

It’s fall again. The winds are chilly and promise me long beautiful nights. I’m both looking forward to it and scared of disintegrating. Are those bells ringing in the distance?

More memories are coming back now. I remember walking around in Vienna once, young and alone in the winter. I hugged my coat around myself and passing by all these strangers, I wished I could live forever like this. Desperate and limping like a stray dog, willing to do whatever I needed to keep walking. An outline in the city light and snow.

I’m startlingly productive this fall. In no particular order: I’m in therapy and actually looking forward to it. I’ve started training muay thai again and I’m half decent at it. I’m putting real effort into practicing illustration and I’m happy with my progress. I’ve found a mutual aid organization that serves free meals and provides harm reduction supplies every week. They seem more closely aligned than any other group in my city, so I reached out and talked with them briefly and they seem like good people. I’m hoping to start helping out in two weeks when I’m less busy. My connections are tied tighter this time, and I let them pull me with their beauty. Some old, some very new.

I’ve visited the ocean three times lately and cried each time. I feel her presence and it’s such a strange feeling, to hear her waves speaking and know a kind of love I forgot was possible. I imagine it’s the love some know in the womb. No words, just an all encompassing embrace. I plan to see the stars soon. I want to start waking up to the sunrise some days, exalting in its light even as I live in this clockwork bubble of a city. On two of those visits, the waves hugged my feet and I wished so dearly I could fall and let them carry me into the mist. This body would sink before it ever reached the horizon, but sometimes I want to try anyway.

I am oxygen deprived. I know this much, but I don’t know where I’m suffocating. Am I sealed in a room? Am I drowning in the waves? Is someone holding me down into a pillow? I am getting better at struggling but my body grows tingly and numb, and though I feel my limbs move I don’t know if I’m pounding on the door or treading water or hitting my assailant. I won’t succumb for a long time. I know this. It’s choking but it’s always been slow. I used to consider it a blessing, but nowadays I wonder if it’s just willing to take its time. I keep fighting anyway. Maybe before I collapse I’ll break free.